New Definitions

An homage to the wit of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue...


Heard a word and wondered what it meant ? Here's the latest definitions...

Advisor: The best way to stop the wind getting into your helmet

Aerobic: Chocolate biro

Aerospace: Room for more chocolate

Alimony: With lemon

Alligator: Someone who accuses you of things

Almoner: An expensive meal

Aloe Vera: The greeting that wartime troops gave to Miss Lynn

Ambergris: David Dickinson (see also Tangent)

Anachronism: Political system with no government and no sense of timing

Analyse: Miss Ford, the newsreader, tells porkies

Analyst: An Indian currency table

Angiogram: Irish singer

Annunciate: To take Holy Orders loudly and clearly

Antelope: To run off and marry an insect

Anthropological: When it makes sense to chuck a Teletubbie

Anticlimax: Excited female relative

Antidisestablishmentarianism: Strangely named northern aunty

Apex: Gorilla's wristwatch

Approximate: A mistress

Archery: Lying under oath, and at all other times

Arm Wrestler: Clumsy vet

Arsehole: Cry of delight on hearing Marvin Gaye

Artichoke: To suppress a cough while at the theatre

ASBO: Is courting

Atrophy: Something you win at sport

Autobiography: Car service book

Automat: October headwear

Badinage: Dyselxic bandage

Balderdash: Accelerated hair loss

Banshee: Male chauvanist

Barometric: Euro gardening aid

Barricade: A soldiers' helpline

Beforehand: An insect tennis stroke

Beginnings: A century at Lords

Beguile: A very broad church

Bias: Street cry of a Bangkok rent boy

Bicycle: An icicle that swings both ways

Bigamy: That shows magnanimity on my part

Bigotry: A lumberjack's boast

Biology: The science of shopping

Bishoprick: Unpopular member of the clergy

Bison: What Hollywood stars go to Africa for

Botox: A seafaring bullock

Boundary: Ungentlemanly behaviour

Briar Patch: Something you wear to overcome your craving for thickets

Brou-haha: Tea that tastes funny

Brouh-haha: A funny cup of tea

Browning: Gravy-loving poet

Buttercup: Alternative toast to 'Bottoms Up'

Buzzard: Energetic panel game

Cabin: Taxi's arrived

Cabriolet: Milk chocolate

Cami-Knickers: Speeches by the leader of the Conservative party

Cannibals: Strangely intelligent Scottish cattle

Cannister: A Geordie prison

Capable: The ability to dress flamboyantly

Carotid: A rusty motor

Carping: Immitating a fish

Catalyst: Cows leaning

Catalyst: Top celebrity moggies

Cauterize: A squinting cyclops

Celtic: A prison for fleas

Cenotaph: Welsh laxative

Centrigufal: Soldier falling over

Chaffeur: A mink salesman

Chaffinch: Small area of the body affected by excessive rubbing

Chateau: Cat's piss

Cheap: An Italian fry

Cheapskate: A fish that does budgie impressions

Check Mate: Someone you pay to be your friend

Cherry: Rather like a chair

Chipmunk: A fryer

Choux Pastry: Go away pie!

Chutzpah: Character in Shakespeare's Henry IV

Circumflex: Wire used for unmentionable sexual act

Circumspect: A I won't finish that

Circumstantial: Jewish singer with the Bonzo Dog Doo Da Band

Circumvent: A Jewish air duct

Clarity: A bit like red wine

Cliché: Little known meeting between the artist Paul Clay and Che Guevara, where they designed the famous poster

Climate: What you have to do because it's there

Cloak: The cry of a Chinese frog

Cocker Spaniel: ( your peril!)

Coconut: Chocoholic

Codicil: This fish is not well

Collonade: A fizzy enema

Comatose: My foot's gone to sleep

Conceited: A prisoner on a chair

Condominium: Storage facility for purple flour

Confirm: An aroused prisoner

Console: To defraud a fish

Contradiction: Nicaraguan accent

Cookaburra: Stove-on-Trent

Copulate: A nasty policeman

Counterpane: Someone working in the Post Office

Crab Apple: An apple that falls sideways from a tree

Crackdown: Hiding drugs when the police turn up

Crocus: A fowl-mouthed blackbird

Crystallise: Retirement gift for Lord Nelson

Cuckold: So chilly you stutter

Curlew: Cross between an oyster and a sheep

Cuticle: To busk amusingly

Cyrillic: Rather like Cyril

Dashboard: Selectors for the 100m

Database: Place where lonely hearts hang out

Debonair: Posh lady broadcaster

Decade: Ant

Decrease: Do the ironing

Defile: One of Jack Dee's fans

Defunct: To have your sense of rhythm removed

Defuse: As used in de plug

Delight: Making things go dark

Demand: Recently widowed

Demsel: What Humph says to Colin

Dervish: A bit like motor oil

Deserted: The pudding's done a runner

Diarrhoea: Poor quality backside

Diary: Disappointing Ecstasy tablet

Dictat: Shoddy condom

Dictator: An amusingly shaped root vegetable

Digression: Welsh fighting talk

Dilate: Failing to call the emergency services

Disgusted: Not dat custard

Dismiss: To be rude to teacher

Dogma: Bitch

Doldrum: Intrument to play while queueing at the DSS

Dominatrix: Show off in a pub game

Domineering: Earring shaped like a domino

Dover Sole: Kentish folk music

Downloads: My shares

Dragnet: Stockings for men

Dullard: Boring duck

Egregious: King of the eggs

Elate: The Spanish rowing crew

Elephant: Beautifully dressed but overweight

Emeralds: Green piles

Emotions: Virtual dumps

Engineer: A parking space next to your house

Enquire: A group of Cockney singing chickens

Enrage: A row about poultry

Entrance: Mispronounciation of entrance

Entrechat: A bisexual cat

Equip: Un-asked for joke off the internet

Erratic: A virtual attic

Ersatz: Cornish milliner's

Ersatz: Liverpool milliners

Excaliber: Former drinker of non-alcoholic beer

Exclaim: Alimony

Explain: Concorde

Extraordinary Rendition: My singing [offered by Jeremy Hardy

Fallacy: Cocky

Felching: A successful insurance claim after falling down on the pavement

Fillibuster: Clumsy vet

Finesse: A lady from Finland

Fixate: To sabotage a rowing crew

Flabbergasted: Appalled at your weight gain

Flacido: The tenor who had certain problems

Flagrant: A tramp with a whip

Flambards: Burning poets

Flatterer: A rolling pin

Flea-pit: {???unreadable}

Flippant: Glib insect

Flotilla: An amphibian ape

Foodstuff: The meat is hard to cut

Forbear: Oh look - There's a bear on the golf course. Look out!

Forbearing: A group of pregnant women

Forecast: Fishing before anyone else

Foreplay: Wood popular in Knightsbridge

Founder Member: Rummaging in your Y-fronts

Foursquare: Army uniform

Frowning: Herr Ning's wife

Funkier: The opposite of Ikea

Gastric: Lighting a fart

Genealogy: Aversion to denim

Genealogy: Medical reaction to figures who appear from magic lamps

Gentiles: Ceramics around a urinal

Global: Cattle near Sellafield

Granary: Where old ladies live

Grandpa: Old lady's golf score

Gringo: Mexican drummer

Gross Behaviour: Farting 144 times

Gushed: Expression of astonishment in an Indian restaurant

Hailstone: Formal greeting for Sir Mick Jagger

Hairy: A bit like a German

Halitosis: Smelly comet

Handicapper: Downmarket milliner

Haphazard: Look out - there's a hap!

Harlot: A pirate

Harvest: What you wear under harshirt

Hoedown: Agricultural strike

Homeopath: Gay pavement

Honolulu: To give an M.B.E. to a Scottish singer

Hootnanny: To boo Mary Poppins

Hop Scotch: One-legged Glaswegian

Hosanna: A loose girl's name

Humdinger: A fly swat

Humdrum: Percussion instrument with a bee trapped in it

Hypotenuse: This lavatory is engaged

Hysterical: Fear of snakes

Icon: Optical illusion

Iconoclastic: A rubber band around Humphrey Lyttelton

Iconography: Filthy Byzantine pictures

Illustrate: A heterosexual who's not too well

Imitate: Pretend to be an art gallery

Immitate: Pretend to be an art gallery

Impact: Goblin stand-up

Impart: Goblin painting

Impolite: To set fire to a pixie

Inclement: What you never want to be on Just A Minute

Increment: Bad Japanese weather

Indelible: A bull in Delhi

Indulgence: At a boring urinal

Innuendo: Italian suppository

Institute: A freeze-dried hooker

Integrate: A fireplace enthusiast

Intelligence: Urinal with a microprocessor

Intent: Determination to go camping

Interim: Enthusiasm for extreme sexual practices

Interspurse: Supports Tottenham

Investment: Thermal underwear for bankers

Itching: Tibetan book of dermatology

Jellied Eels: What jelly brokers do

Killjoy: Miserable antiques dealer

Kitch: Small kitchen

Knapsack: A sleeping bag

Labrador: Dog used in experiments

Lacklustre: The French bunch

Laggard: A prison warder

Lagoon: Cross-dressing Spike Milligan lookalike

Languid: Laid back Welsh village

Lap Dance: What they do at Santa's disco

Lassitude: One bitten by a Collie

Lawyer: One who tells lawys

Leap-Frog: Queue-hopping in France

Limpet: A little limp

Liquorice: Quite alcoholic

Listless: Upright

Loiter: What smokers in the Westcountry use

Lovelorn: To be very, very fond of grass

Lucid: Attendant at the gents'

Ludo: Filthy version of Cluedo

Luge: Where Sean Connery goes when he's taken short

Lurcher: Chas'n'Dave song

Majestic: A sceptre

Malcontent: Someone who's perfectly happy with Malcolm

Malleable: Matrimonially available Chinese lady

Mange Tout: Seconds please

Marigold: Get-rich-quick

Maritime: A wedding

Marmite: An insect found on mothers

Mascot: Catholic nursery

Maternity: What a Yorkshireman says when it's his turn at golf

Matricide: The danger of smoking in bed

Meritritious: A greeting usually following by "and a Happy New Year"

Metatarsels: Get-together at Jeffery Archer's

Miasma: Reason I Have an inhaler

Microbe: Small dressing gown

Migraine: Severe headache (I don't think I've got the hang of this...)

Missile: Air stewardess

Mississippi: Wife of Mr. Ippi

Mistake: Female shoplifter

Mistake: Regret becoming vegetarian

Monochrome: Bath with only one tap

Motion Picture: Stomach X-Ray

Motorist: A painful condition affecting drivers

Mountaineer: A very specialized taxidermist

Moustache: Gotta go!

Mutant: A cross between a cat and an insect

Mutate: Art gallery for cats

MySpace: Hole in the skirting board

Mystical: Miss Whiplash for children

Nail File: Someone who's really into DIY

Nick-nack: An ability to steal

Nicorette: Skimpy briefs

Nobbletoff: A good thing to do to The Countryside Alliance

Notable: Full restaurant

Nubile: Fresh phlegm

Nutcase: A hat

Obesity: Short name for band The Obesity Rollers

Offcut: Government watchdog for monitoring vasectomies

One Ton: Soup

Optimist: Cataract

Optimist: The view through a cataract

Overage: A row about eggs

Oxymoron: Stupid cow

Palaver: Dyslexic pullover

Paltry: Skinny chicken

Pantaloon: Underwear fetishist

Pantry: Underwear counter

Paradox: Flying doctors

Paraffin: Flying fish

Paralyse: Soldiers' evidence to the Bloody Sunday enquiry

Paranoid: Annoyed enough to take a flying leap

Participation: When your Dad joins in

Passover: An Israeli motorway junction

Pasta: Italian priest

Pathos: Unsuccessful musketeer

Peking Duck: Very nosey water fowl

Pentecost: An expensive Biro

Perforce: Cat's army

Perish: A bit like 'two'

Persist: A bag snatcher

Pesto: Athlete's foot

Pharmacist: Old MacDonald Had A Boil

Philander: The Duke of Edinburgh & the Queen

Philanthropist: A kindly drunk

Philip: A great boost for the Queen

Phlebitis: Statement of the obvious

Phlegmatic: Battery powered handkerchief

Pigsticking: Clockwork pork

Pilaf: French chinese singer

Pile: Australian bucket

Pillowcase: One removed from head case

Pillowslips: The result of colagen injections

Pince-Nez: Not wearing underwear

Pinnacle: The humane slaughter of kitchen aprons

Platypus: A cat that's sold a million records

Plutocrat: Somebody who votes for a Disney character

PMT: Afternoon refreshment

Pod Cast: Fishing for peas

Polish: What Sean Connery, I won't

Politician: A parrot named after a painter

Poltroon: Parrot from Scotland

Poop Scoop: A tabloid exclusive

Porcupine: A reluctant vegetarian

Porsche: Really, really posh

Post Mistress: Sex by correspondence course

Prestressed: Vicar's day off

Pricket: Male streaker at Lord's

Priviledge: Outdoor loo on the tenth floor

Problematic: There's a leak in t'loft

Proboscis: Against the workers

Prodigal: To poke a seabird

Production: In favour of not inviting Donald

Profundity: To like a silly little song

Proof: A homosexual roof

Propaganda: A moral goose

Property: The drink they say you can only get in Yorkshire

Prophylactic: Holder of the chair in milk

Prosthetic: Not a very good call girl

Prozaic: Written by somebody on antidepressants

Psychopath: Bike lane

Pulpit: Bachelor pad

Pulsar: To get off with a Russian

Punish: Rather like a pun

Puppetry: A dogs' toilet

Purfect: An Irish cat who can't speak

Rampart: Essential element in sheep breeding

Ram-raider: Dodgy vet

Ramsgate: Farming scandal

Rancour: Japanese term of abuse

Ratatouille: The sound made by a machine gun ricochet

Recordable: Sash windows you can fix

Reindeer: Polite weather forecast

Relief: What trees do in spring

Relish: Not quite rel

Respect: The presenter of 'Quote, Unquote' attacked by seagulls

Rev Counter: Survey of vicars

Revelation: Joy experienced when the car starts

Robust: A canoe company that's gone out of business

Romantic: Italian flea

Roulette: A Queen

Saab: Indian for 'Nice car, Master'

Scrap: A negative quality comment

Screwdriver: Mick Jagger's chauffer

Scurry: Explanation of what's on your shirt

Secular: Junk mail in Liverpool

See-saw: What Moses might have used to part the Dead Sea

Selfish: The job of a fishmonger

Serialize: Weetabix vision

Shampoo: Imitation bear

Shinto: Leg diagram

Shitzu: Grotty menagerie

Signature: Baby swan droppings

Silicone: Thing they put in the road when they're digging it up

Sirloin: Cat's crotch

Smirks: Geordie cigarettes

Smitten: A baby Smurf

Snotty: Opposite of snice???

Soaring: What you get after a very hot curry

Sociopath: A killer who does wonders for you back pain

Sodom: The word for the opinion commonly held about French farmers

Somersault: A fair weather sailor

Sometime: Maths lesson

Spell-check: Witch guide

Sporran: What Scotch frogs do in ponds

Starburst: Celebrity exploding

Stipend: Pig's house with a fence around

Stylist: A pig's address book

Suffocation: A week in Lowestoft

Supine: To take a tree to court

Surcharge: What you pay for a knighthood

Surrogate: Stand-in Yorkshire spa town

Sweepstake: What Sooty cooks for dinner

Syllabus: Liverpool coach

Symbolic: My phone's on the blink

Synthesize: Male false boast

Syruppy: It might be a wig...

Taffeta: A Welshman {???unreadable} his {???unreadable}

Tally-Ho: Hunt groupie

Tangerine: Colour you get from sunbeds as used by Bargain Hunt presenter

Tendentious: False teeth

Terrapin: A brooch devoted to bringing down the government by the use of violence

Testimony: A lot of bollocks

Thesaurus: Prehistoric animal with many names

Throng: A three-pieced thong

Tiddlywinks: A kip after a skinfull

Tinker: An Irish sage

Tirade: A puncture callout service

Titillate: One who behaves like a bird till 2000 hours

Toga: Dyslexic goat

Toilet: A little bit of work

Torpid: Unfinished torpedo

Tortoise: Slow musketeer

Trampette: A lady tramp

Transgression: When female impersonators get cross

Transistor: Sex change sibling

Traumatise: Troubled neckwear

Trigonometry: A graveyard for horses

Troilism: The ability to fit three people into a wooden horse

Truncheon: Policeman's midday meal

Tumbling: A belly-button ring

Tumbril: Stomach polish

Tyrant: An angry reaction to being told you have to wear a tie

Undertaker: Someone who nicks your pants

Unfurled: Not furled

Venus Fly Trap: Method of catching extra-terrestrial fleas

Vespa: Evensong on a scooter

Vestry: The same

Victim: To apply chest rub to Mr Brooke-Taylor

Virgin Olive Oil: Popeye's fiancée

Vocation: Giving your voice a rest

Walkie-Talkie: Flightless parrot

Warbling: Geordie jewellery

Warming: Geordie porcelain

Waxwork: Slogan for the Society for the Restoration of Corporal Punishment

Wedge: Roy Jenkin's pet name for Reginald Maudlin

Whole-food: A doughnut

Wisteria: Hilarious hanging plant

Witchcraft: Magazine for boat owners

Worsted: Unpopular bear

Xenophobia: Fear of Buddhists

X-Ray: Former fish

Yacht: Negative 'Yes'

Yeoman: Greeting for hip people

Zither: Yorkshire for 'Look here'