New Definitions

An homage to the wit of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue...

Heard a word and wondered what it meant ? Here's the latest definitions...

Advisor: The best way to stop the wind getting into your helmet
Aerobic: Chocolate biro
Aerospace: Room for more chocolate
Alimony: With lemon
Alligator: Someone who accuses you of things
Almoner: An expensive meal
Aloe Vera: The greeting that wartime troops gave to Miss Lynn
Ambergris: David Dickinson (see also Tangent)
Anachronism: Political system with no government and no sense of timing
Analyse: Miss Ford, the newsreader, tells porkies
Analyst: An Indian currency table
Angiogram: Irish singer
Annunciate: To take Holy Orders loudly and clearly
Antelope: To run off and marry an insect
Anthropological: When it makes sense to chuck a Teletubbie
Anticlimax: Excited female relative
Antidisestablishmentarianism: Strangely named northern aunty
Apex: Gorilla's wristwatch
Approximate: A mistress
Archery: Lying under oath, and at all other times
Arm Wrestler: Clumsy vet
Arsehole: Cry of delight on hearing Marvin Gaye
Artichoke: To suppress a cough while at the theatre
ASBO: Is courting
Atrophy: Something you win at sport
Autobiography: Car service book
Automat: October headwear
Badinage: Dyselxic bandage
Balderdash: Accelerated hair loss
Banshee: Male chauvanist
Barometric: Euro gardening aid
Barricade: A soldiers' helpline
Beforehand: An insect tennis stroke
Beginnings: A century at Lords
Beguile: A very broad church
Bias: Street cry of a Bangkok rent boy
Bicycle: An icicle that swings both ways
Bigamy: That shows magnanimity on my part
Bigotry: A lumberjack's boast
Biology: The science of shopping
Bishoprick: Unpopular member of the clergy
Bison: What Hollywood stars go to Africa for
Botox: A seafaring bullock
Boundary: Ungentlemanly behaviour
Briar Patch: Something you wear to overcome your craving for thickets
Brou-haha: Tea that tastes funny
Brouh-haha: A funny cup of tea
Browning: Gravy-loving poet
Buttercup: Alternative toast to 'Bottoms Up'
Buzzard: Energetic panel game
Cabin: Taxi's arrived
Cabriolet: Milk chocolate
Cami-Knickers: Speeches by the leader of the Conservative party
Cannibals: Strangely intelligent Scottish cattle
Cannister: A Geordie prison
Capable: The ability to dress flamboyantly
Carotid: A rusty motor
Carping: Immitating a fish
Catalyst: Cows leaning
Catalyst: Top celebrity moggies
Cauterize: A squinting cyclops
Celtic: A prison for fleas
Cenotaph: Welsh laxative
Centrigufal: Soldier falling over
Chaffeur: A mink salesman
Chaffinch: Small area of the body affected by excessive rubbing
Chateau: Cat's piss
Cheap: An Italian fry
Cheapskate: A fish that does budgie impressions
Check Mate: Someone you pay to be your friend
Cherry: Rather like a chair
Chipmunk: A fryer
Choux Pastry: Go away pie!
Chutzpah: Character in Shakespeare's Henry IV
Circumflex: Wire used for unmentionable sexual act
Circumspect: A I won't finish that
Circumstantial: Jewish singer with the Bonzo Dog Doo Da Band
Circumvent: A Jewish air duct
Clarity: A bit like red wine
Cliché: Little known meeting between the artist Paul Clay and Che Guevara, where they designed the famous poster
Climate: What you have to do because it's there
Cloak: The cry of a Chinese frog
Cocker Spaniel: ( your peril!)
Coconut: Chocoholic
Codicil: This fish is not well
Collonade: A fizzy enema
Comatose: My foot's gone to sleep
Conceited: A prisoner on a chair
Condominium: Storage facility for purple flour
Confirm: An aroused prisoner
Console: To defraud a fish
Contradiction: Nicaraguan accent
Cookaburra: Stove-on-Trent
Copulate: A nasty policeman
Counterpane: Someone working in the Post Office
Crab Apple: An apple that falls sideways from a tree
Crackdown: Hiding drugs when the police turn up
Crocus: A fowl-mouthed blackbird
Crystallise: Retirement gift for Lord Nelson
Cuckold: So chilly you stutter
Curlew: Cross between an oyster and a sheep
Cuticle: To busk amusingly
Cyrillic: Rather like Cyril
Dashboard: Selectors for the 100m
Database: Place where lonely hearts hang out
Debonair: Posh lady broadcaster
Decade: Ant
Decrease: Do the ironing
Defile: One of Jack Dee's fans
Defunct: To have your sense of rhythm removed
Defuse: As used in de plug
Delight: Making things go dark
Demand: Recently widowed
Demsel: What Humph says to Colin
Dervish: A bit like motor oil
Deserted: The pudding's done a runner
Diarrhoea: Poor quality backside
Diary: Disappointing Ecstasy tablet
Dictat: Shoddy condom
Dictator: An amusingly shaped root vegetable
Digression: Welsh fighting talk
Dilate: Failing to call the emergency services
Disgusted: Not dat custard
Dismiss: To be rude to teacher
Dogma: Bitch
Doldrum: Intrument to play while queueing at the DSS
Dominatrix: Show off in a pub game
Domineering: Earring shaped like a domino
Dover Sole: Kentish folk music
Downloads: My shares
Dragnet: Stockings for men
Dullard: Boring duck
Egregious: King of the eggs
Elate: The Spanish rowing crew
Elephant: Beautifully dressed but overweight
Emeralds: Green piles
Emotions: Virtual dumps
Engineer: A parking space next to your house
Enquire: A group of Cockney singing chickens
Enrage: A row about poultry
Entrance: Mispronounciation of entrance
Entrechat: A bisexual cat
Equip: Un-asked for joke off the internet
Erratic: A virtual attic
Ersatz: Cornish milliner's
Ersatz: Liverpool milliners
Excaliber: Former drinker of non-alcoholic beer
Exclaim: Alimony
Explain: Concorde
Extraordinary Rendition: My singing [offered by Jeremy Hardy
Fallacy: Cocky
Felching: A successful insurance claim after falling down on the pavement
Fillibuster: Clumsy vet
Finesse: A lady from Finland
Fixate: To sabotage a rowing crew
Flabbergasted: Appalled at your weight gain
Flacido: The tenor who had certain problems
Flagrant: A tramp with a whip
Flambards: Burning poets
Flatterer: A rolling pin
Flea-pit: {???unreadable}
Flippant: Glib insect
Flotilla: An amphibian ape
Foodstuff: The meat is hard to cut
Forbear: Oh look - There's a bear on the golf course. Look out!
Forbearing: A group of pregnant women
Forecast: Fishing before anyone else
Foreplay: Wood popular in Knightsbridge
Founder Member: Rummaging in your Y-fronts
Foursquare: Army uniform
Frowning: Herr Ning's wife
Funkier: The opposite of Ikea
Gastric: Lighting a fart
Genealogy: Aversion to denim
Genealogy: Medical reaction to figures who appear from magic lamps
Gentiles: Ceramics around a urinal
Global: Cattle near Sellafield
Granary: Where old ladies live
Grandpa: Old lady's golf score
Gringo: Mexican drummer
Gross Behaviour: Farting 144 times
Gushed: Expression of astonishment in an Indian restaurant
Hailstone: Formal greeting for Sir Mick Jagger
Hairy: A bit like a German
Halitosis: Smelly comet
Handicapper: Downmarket milliner
Haphazard: Look out - there's a hap!
Harlot: A pirate
Harvest: What you wear under harshirt
Hoedown: Agricultural strike
Homeopath: Gay pavement
Honolulu: To give an M.B.E. to a Scottish singer
Hootnanny: To boo Mary Poppins
Hop Scotch: One-legged Glaswegian
Hosanna: A loose girl's name
Humdinger: A fly swat
Humdrum: Percussion instrument with a bee trapped in it
Hypotenuse: This lavatory is engaged
Hysterical: Fear of snakes
Icon: Optical illusion
Iconoclastic: A rubber band around Humphrey Lyttelton
Iconography: Filthy Byzantine pictures
Illustrate: A heterosexual who's not too well
Imitate: Pretend to be an art gallery
Immitate: Pretend to be an art gallery
Impact: Goblin stand-up
Impart: Goblin painting
Impolite: To set fire to a pixie
Inclement: What you never want to be on Just A Minute
Increment: Bad Japanese weather
Indelible: A bull in Delhi
Indulgence: At a boring urinal
Innuendo: Italian suppository
Institute: A freeze-dried hooker
Integrate: A fireplace enthusiast
Intelligence: Urinal with a microprocessor
Intent: Determination to go camping
Interim: Enthusiasm for extreme sexual practices
Interspurse: Supports Tottenham
Investment: Thermal underwear for bankers
Itching: Tibetan book of dermatology
Jellied Eels: What jelly brokers do
Killjoy: Miserable antiques dealer
Kitch: Small kitchen
Knapsack: A sleeping bag
Labrador: Dog used in experiments
Lacklustre: The French bunch
Laggard: A prison warder
Lagoon: Cross-dressing Spike Milligan lookalike
Languid: Laid back Welsh village
Lap Dance: What they do at Santa's disco
Lassitude: One bitten by a Collie
Lawyer: One who tells lawys
Leap-Frog: Queue-hopping in France
Limpet: A little limp
Liquorice: Quite alcoholic
Listless: Upright
Loiter: What smokers in the Westcountry use
Lovelorn: To be very, very fond of grass
Lucid: Attendant at the gents'
Ludo: Filthy version of Cluedo
Luge: Where Sean Connery goes when he's taken short
Lurcher: Chas'n'Dave song
Majestic: A sceptre
Malcontent: Someone who's perfectly happy with Malcolm
Malleable: Matrimonially available Chinese lady
Mange Tout: Seconds please
Marigold: Get-rich-quick
Maritime: A wedding
Marmite: An insect found on mothers
Mascot: Catholic nursery
Maternity: What a Yorkshireman says when it's his turn at golf
Matricide: The danger of smoking in bed
Meritritious: A greeting usually following by "and a Happy New Year"
Metatarsels: Get-together at Jeffery Archer's
Miasma: Reason I Have an inhaler
Microbe: Small dressing gown
Migraine: Severe headache (I don't think I've got the hang of this...)
Missile: Air stewardess
Mississippi: Wife of Mr. Ippi
Mistake: Female shoplifter
Mistake: Regret becoming vegetarian
Monochrome: Bath with only one tap
Motion Picture: Stomach X-Ray
Motorist: A painful condition affecting drivers
Mountaineer: A very specialized taxidermist
Moustache: Gotta go!
Mutant: A cross between a cat and an insect
Mutate: Art gallery for cats
MySpace: Hole in the skirting board
Mystical: Miss Whiplash for children
Nail File: Someone who's really into DIY
Nick-nack: An ability to steal
Nicorette: Skimpy briefs
Nobbletoff: A good thing to do to The Countryside Alliance
Notable: Full restaurant
Nubile: Fresh phlegm
Nutcase: A hat
Obesity: Short name for band The Obesity Rollers
Offcut: Government watchdog for monitoring vasectomies
One Ton: Soup
Optimist: Cataract
Optimist: The view through a cataract
Overage: A row about eggs
Oxymoron: Stupid cow
Palaver: Dyslexic pullover
Paltry: Skinny chicken
Pantaloon: Underwear fetishist
Pantry: Underwear counter
Paradox: Flying doctors
Paraffin: Flying fish
Paralyse: Soldiers' evidence to the Bloody Sunday enquiry
Paranoid: Annoyed enough to take a flying leap
Participation: When your Dad joins in
Passover: An Israeli motorway junction
Pasta: Italian priest
Pathos: Unsuccessful musketeer
Peking Duck: Very nosey water fowl
Pentecost: An expensive Biro
Perforce: Cat's army
Perish: A bit like 'two'
Persist: A bag snatcher
Pesto: Athlete's foot
Pharmacist: Old MacDonald Had A Boil
Philander: The Duke of Edinburgh & the Queen
Philanthropist: A kindly drunk
Philip: A great boost for the Queen
Phlebitis: Statement of the obvious
Phlegmatic: Battery powered handkerchief
Pigsticking: Clockwork pork
Pilaf: French chinese singer
Pile: Australian bucket
Pillowcase: One removed from head case
Pillowslips: The result of colagen injections
Pince-Nez: Not wearing underwear
Pinnacle: The humane slaughter of kitchen aprons
Platypus: A cat that's sold a million records
Plutocrat: Somebody who votes for a Disney character
PMT: Afternoon refreshment
Pod Cast: Fishing for peas
Polish: What Sean Connery, I won't
Politician: A parrot named after a painter
Poltroon: Parrot from Scotland
Poop Scoop: A tabloid exclusive
Porcupine: A reluctant vegetarian
Porsche: Really, really posh
Post Mistress: Sex by correspondence course
Prestressed: Vicar's day off
Pricket: Male streaker at Lord's
Priviledge: Outdoor loo on the tenth floor
Problematic: There's a leak in t'loft
Proboscis: Against the workers
Prodigal: To poke a seabird
Production: In favour of not inviting Donald
Profundity: To like a silly little song
Proof: A homosexual roof
Propaganda: A moral goose
Property: The drink they say you can only get in Yorkshire
Prophylactic: Holder of the chair in milk
Prosthetic: Not a very good call girl
Prozaic: Written by somebody on antidepressants
Psychopath: Bike lane
Pulpit: Bachelor pad
Pulsar: To get off with a Russian
Punish: Rather like a pun
Puppetry: A dogs' toilet
Purfect: An Irish cat who can't speak
Rampart: Essential element in sheep breeding
Ram-raider: Dodgy vet
Ramsgate: Farming scandal
Rancour: Japanese term of abuse
Ratatouille: The sound made by a machine gun ricochet
Recordable: Sash windows you can fix
Reindeer: Polite weather forecast
Relief: What trees do in spring
Relish: Not quite rel
Respect: The presenter of 'Quote, Unquote' attacked by seagulls
Rev Counter: Survey of vicars
Revelation: Joy experienced when the car starts
Robust: A canoe company that's gone out of business
Romantic: Italian flea
Roulette: A Queen
Saab: Indian for 'Nice car, Master'
Scrap: A negative quality comment
Screwdriver: Mick Jagger's chauffer
Scurry: Explanation of what's on your shirt
Secular: Junk mail in Liverpool
See-saw: What Moses might have used to part the Dead Sea
Selfish: The job of a fishmonger
Serialize: Weetabix vision
Shampoo: Imitation bear
Shinto: Leg diagram
Shitzu: Grotty menagerie
Signature: Baby swan droppings
Silicone: Thing they put in the road when they're digging it up
Sirloin: Cat's crotch
Smirks: Geordie cigarettes
Smitten: A baby Smurf
Snotty: Opposite of snice???
Soaring: What you get after a very hot curry
Sociopath: A killer who does wonders for you back pain
Sodom: The word for the opinion commonly held about French farmers
Somersault: A fair weather sailor
Sometime: Maths lesson
Spell-check: Witch guide
Sporran: What Scotch frogs do in ponds
Starburst: Celebrity exploding
Stipend: Pig's house with a fence around
Stylist: A pig's address book
Suffocation: A week in Lowestoft
Supine: To take a tree to court
Surcharge: What you pay for a knighthood
Surrogate: Stand-in Yorkshire spa town
Sweepstake: What Sooty cooks for dinner
Syllabus: Liverpool coach
Symbolic: My phone's on the blink
Synthesize: Male false boast
Syruppy: It might be a wig...
Taffeta: A Welshman {???unreadable} his {???unreadable}
Tally-Ho: Hunt groupie
Tangerine: Colour you get from sunbeds as used by Bargain Hunt presenter
Tendentious: False teeth
Terrapin: A brooch devoted to bringing down the government by the use of violence
Testimony: A lot of bollocks
Thesaurus: Prehistoric animal with many names
Throng: A three-pieced thong
Tiddlywinks: A kip after a skinfull
Tinker: An Irish sage
Tirade: A puncture callout service
Titillate: One who behaves like a bird till 2000 hours
Toga: Dyslexic goat
Toilet: A little bit of work
Torpid: Unfinished torpedo
Tortoise: Slow musketeer
Trampette: A lady tramp
Transgression: When female impersonators get cross
Transistor: Sex change sibling
Traumatise: Troubled neckwear
Trigonometry: A graveyard for horses
Troilism: The ability to fit three people into a wooden horse
Truncheon: Policeman's midday meal
Tumbling: A belly-button ring
Tumbril: Stomach polish
Tyrant: An angry reaction to being told you have to wear a tie
Undertaker: Someone who nicks your pants
Unfurled: Not furled
Venus Fly Trap: Method of catching extra-terrestrial fleas
Vespa: Evensong on a scooter
Vestry: The same
Victim: To apply chest rub to Mr Brooke-Taylor
Virgin Olive Oil: Popeye's fiancée
Vocation: Giving your voice a rest
Walkie-Talkie: Flightless parrot
Warbling: Geordie jewellery
Warming: Geordie porcelain
Waxwork: Slogan for the Society for the Restoration of Corporal Punishment
Wedge: Roy Jenkin's pet name for Reginald Maudlin
Whole-food: A doughnut
Wisteria: Hilarious hanging plant
Witchcraft: Magazine for boat owners
Worsted: Unpopular bear
Xenophobia: Fear of Buddhists
X-Ray: Former fish
Yacht: Negative 'Yes'
Yeoman: Greeting for hip people
Zither: Yorkshire for 'Look here'

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